Broken Arrow

Do you feel what I feel
Can we make that so it’s part of the deal
I gotta hold you in these arms of steel
Lay your heart on the line…this time

I’m feeling stronger, able to face things full on again. My friends say I’m more positive, and look and sound better. And I thought so also. It’s doesn’t take much. Something on social media that’s not phrased right, a look, a quiet word said out of earshot and my mood will plummet. These things aren’t noticed normally and, if they are, are taken at face value and ignored.

My biggest fear, anxiety, insecurity, reason for low self esteem and confidence is rejection. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to follow blindly to be part of the gang, or herd, I want to be accepted for who I am and what I can deliver to the group. It really is quite crippling to try and conform and not speak out, After all, it’s better to be silent and appear stupid then say something and remove all doubt.

This kind of made me a listener. I would remain quiet and listen to other people’s problems and anxieties. I’ve been told that because of this and the fact I have/had 4 sisters made me a friend to girls and if I dared summon the courage to ask them out they would decline. I guess it was a curse and stepped back into the shadow.

I’m back at work and now and in my second week. I’ve had 5 or 6 weeks off and felt I had the tools and strength to return but now I feel quite down and isolated. It’s probably just a blip. Blips occur all the time where mental health is concerned. The secret is to keep it a blip and not dwell too much. The blip is normally something which is out of my control. So hey, I don’t give a f*ck, sh*t happens, this is me so love or loathe me. It seems I work in extremes.