Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise. Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies

Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain seems a good place to start. Immortalised as the theme tune to Formula One racing but the words from the first part of the suite has great meaning. Stevie Nicks, the writer of the lyrics, obviously had some real issues over her break up with her lover Lindsay Buckingham. But the lyrics speak to all who have been betrayed and lost and let’s face facts sometimes life or someone has let us down. Stars can’t shine without darkness.

Dreams

Some of you may be aware that recently I have experienced a ‘crisis’ in my life. Perhaps it might have been called a mental breakdown. Things have got on top of me recently and the current instability and negetivity has brought me down. My, or rather incidents in, past hidden in a shallow grave in my psyche which, thanks to my counseling, has risen up and bitten me in the ass. The feelings that submerged are/were uncomfortable, painful, tearful, but very necessary for a recovery.

In between these excruiciating sessions I run. I run to feel the wind blow, I run to feel the sunrise, I run to damn your love and damn your lies. I can see it’s about breaking the chain. This chain links my past, the things in my past I regret, my mistakes but…

Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night
Running in the shadows, damn your love, damn your lies
Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light

Solitude and loneliness bring those thoughts back. Thoughts of unworthiness, thoughts of despair, thoughts of weakness, lack of self esteem and confidence, and worse thoughts. So what can I do? I think in the moment and control what I can control. Fortunately I have a fabulous support network of close friends who help me immensely and without whose help I shudder to think what might happen.

Breaking the Chain but I’m no super hero

It’s not only my friends but my running. I’ve been signed off unfit to work for three weeks and running and that runner’s high has kept me sane and buoyant. Again a couple of friends who meet me and take me out for that ever so important run. Those runs, and there have been many, have taken me around the streets of Burnham-on-Sea, along local trails, along the beach, the esplanade and parks, Ian and Matt have guided me on runs further afield to the Quantocks and the Mendips to bathe in ‘shinrin yoku’. Immerse myself in the beauty of nature and it’s wonderful colours at this time of year.

Today the rain fell incessantly. The opportunity to get out for a run was diminishing minute by minute and I felt particularly at a low ebb. I sat in my son’s bedroom staring out the window. A message pinged on my phone from Sophie, a friend. She asked how I was and we got talking and joking. She said she wanted to run so I offered to join her and she accepted. We met and she said she was only going to run 5 km, which was fine by me. We ran and chatted and when we finished our run it was over 4 miles, more than we intended. Sophie was pleased we had ran further and I was pleased I’d helped. Win, win and a positive finish to my day.

Sophie and me

And if you don’t love me now (you don’t love me now)
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (never break the chain)

I’m trying and I will.

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